Over the weekend I had some real inner turmoil to cope with. I don't 'do' confrontation well of any kind. Put it down to a difficult childhood, what ever, but of late I am finding that I have situations thrust at me that are forcing me to 'man up' and deal with it.
Maybe some more of those inner demons are being shed finally.
A few years back I sold a horse that I didn't get on with. Me and her just didn't click. I hear it happens at times. Still doesn't mean I didn't care about its future. And it didn't mean that I wouldn't honour the verbal agreement I had to the people that sold her to me.
So when I passed her on to someone I call a friend we again made a verbal agreement that I could have an interest in her future if she was to be sold again.
I did wonder for a while over the weekend why I keep letting myself in for the worry that things like that can bring. After all, it's not mine anymore. And I trust the person who has her implicitly. But she did ask for my input and when we both discovered what was happening, I felt sick. Really sick. We stopped it though before it went too far and I still feel it was the right thing to do.
To anyone reading this, mostly you will have no idea what I'm on about but thats OK. I'm a bit complex at times it seems. LOL ;-)
But I am left wondering and have been for a while now, why is it that I pour so my of myself into these horses that turn up here. Is it a need to feel like your doing something to help? Or do I need someone to lavish lots of attention on?
Not sure if I can do it anymore to be honest. I am finally happy with the horses we have and really feel like they are mine instead of feeling like I am just a stopping off place between where they were and where they are meant to be.
Has it run its natural course or am I just avoiding having any more ponies 'follow me home'?
Did I just have a major commitment phobia? Although I have now been married for over 21 yrs so maybe not that....
Maybe I need to stop worrying about everything and get on with enjoying life. Sounds like a good choice.